3 damaging ways you avoid emotions

podcast

He hates talking about his feelings!

I think my sister said this 3 times as we were hiking among the saguaro cactus this morning.

I live in the desert.

And, she was talking about her teenager, my nephew.

Why Pay Attention to Feelings?

Of course, what teenager wants to talk about feelings with his mom, I thought.

I don’t even like talking about my feelings. And, I’m an adult.

Up until a few years ago, I never paid much attention to my feelings at all.

Or other people’s feelings.

Then I learned that everything we do is because of a feeling we are having.

Another way of saying this is Our emotions cause our actions.

Since learning that, I almost make a game of trying to figure out why people do what they do.

He said he hates talking about his feelings. He must feel uncomfortable to say that.

My sister said this 3 times. She must be concerned about it.

It’s really quite interesting trying to figure people out.

4 Things to Do With a Feeling

But, to play this game, you have to know the 4 things people do after they have an emotion.

They react, they avoid, they resist, or they accept the emotion.

Reacting is doing something directly because of the emotion. It looks like yelling at your kids when you’re angry about them fighting in the back seat of the car. Yelling things like, I’m going to crash this car on purpose if you don’t stop that fighting!

Just take my word for it.

Reacting is the way most people deal with their feelings.

They do things like complain, blame someone else, overthink, roll their eyes, or argue.

Of course, doing these things only makes the connection between people worse.

Avoiding means not even acknowledging or recognizing your emotion at all. Instead you just numb yourself on food, shopping, scrolling social media, sleep, porn, work or other distraction of choice.

What do you do when you’re procrastinating? That’s what you do to avoid the feeling of actually starting the work you’re supposed to be doing.

Avoiding is when You feel scared about a medical issue, so you don’t go to the doctor or seek medical advice because you don't want to face the possibility of bad news.

The result of doing these things is gaining weight, losing money, missing a medical diagnosis that could have been prevented and so forth.

Resisting is not numbing yourself like avoiding. Resisting is feeling the feeling, but trying to control it. Trying to shove it down and pretend it isn’t bothering you. It feels like pushing a beach ball underwater and holding it there.

Resisting is my sister eating a family dinner with me, my parents, and my brother while underneath she’s holding in her loathing for him.

Resisting might sound like

I can’t stand this much longer
I hate being so sensitive!
I shouldn’t be feeling this way. What’s wrong with me?

Resisting doesn’t make the emotion go away. It makes it bigger and harder to hold in.

Accepting your emotions sounds like this

Of course I’m feeling sad.
It’s normal to feel resentful.
I can do anxiety. I’m bringing anxiety to work with me today.
Being a human means feeling every emotion.
I’m ok. It’s all ok.

The Big Payoff

When you accept your emotions you don’t need to act out.

You aren’t compelled to do something you’re going to regret later.

You don’t need to pretend to yourself that you aren’t feeling an emotion.

And, you feel less shame or guilt about your emotion because all feelings are valid.

The best part of all, when you accept your negative emotions they don’t feel so bad.

So they go away a lot faster.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani