3 frightening symptoms of chronic stress

When I’m staying with my mom I notice my anxiety every morning when I wake up.

I’m listening to hear her breath. I’m listening to make sure she’s still alive.

Since I sleep on the floor next to her bed, I wake up early every morning while it’s still pitch black outside and I tune in to the sounds of the room.

Often, when I go to sleep my mother is having a panic attack.

She’s out on her balcony watering her plants and trying to breathe.

I don’t know if it’s from the stress of her own health or my dad’s. 

Panic Attacks and High Cortisol

Years ago my anxiety was worse, much worse.

Twice I went to the hospital with full on, I’m going to die any second, panic attacks.

There’s nothing wrong. There’s nothing we can do, they said. 

Eventually I found a doctor who tested my cortisol.

It’s very high, he said. We need to get that down.

Cortisol is the “stress hormone”.

It’s released in your body in response to stress.

And, chronic stress leads to sustained high cortisol levels.

3 More Frightening Stress Symptoms

Besides panic attacks I had three frightening stress symptoms that added stress on top of the stress.

The first was memory loss. 

At first I forgot a few words here and there.

Then, my husband would have to finish my sentences, because I just couldn’t find the words that I knew were someplace in my brain.

I could barely have a conversation. 

I forgot my phone number, I forgot my address.

Thank goodness for cell phones. I have the numbers in my phone, I would think. I don’t really need to remember them. 

A few times I was embarrassed when someone would ask me my phone number or address and I would say, Sorry, I need to look it up.

I remember driving 2 miles away from my house to get my daughter from school one day and I forgot where I was.

Where am I going? Is my house this way? Do I live this way? I thought.

I was always afraid of what I would forget next. Would I forget my family? Would I forget who I am?

The second stress symptom I had was rage. 

Everything made me angry.

And, not just regular anger, BLINDING SENSELESS RAGE!

I don’t know how my poor husband survived all my yelling tirades.

He, unfortunately, was usually the recipient of such rage. 

And, I didn’t even know why things that never bothered me before suddenly provoked such a reaction.

I guess the high cortisol messed with my brain and my emotions.

The third disturbing stress symptom was intrusive thoughts. 

Intrusive thoughts are unwanted, involuntary distressing thoughts or images.

They can be frightening, embarrassing, or even violent in nature.

For some reason, mine were mostly focused on one of my children.

I would see him in vivid, clear pictures in my mind.

And, he would always be dead.

It was the worst. The worst thing a mother could think.

But, I knew it wasn’t true. I knew my brain was playing tricks on me.

I’ve never had such graphic and realistic pictures in my mind since my panic attacks went away.

I’m glad they haven’t returned.

Now I have so many more mental tools in my toolbox to keep anxiety from creeping too high.

Remember, caregiving is stressful.

Losing loved ones or even anticipating losing a loved one,  is stressful.

Please, take care of yourself.

And make it a practice of de-stressing.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani