denial is real

It really baffles me how my mother can be in such denial.

She denied for a decade that my dad had dementia.

The Scammers And Accidents

Somehow, she had no explanation for why he was falling for every scammer who told him he would instantly win a million dollars if he just sent them a $25 processing fee.

He had stacks of these letters he would send people everyday - with the cash inside.

I only found this out when one of those letters was returned to sender while I was visiting them.

My mother had no acknowledgement when his car would suddenly have another scrape on the side or a banged up fender.

Eventually, it looked like he had been a willing participant in a demolition derby.

And, I found out much later that my mom was in the car with him at least twice during hit and run accidents.

Luckily they just hit other cars instead of people.

To this day, she says, I had no idea he had dementia. 

And, let me be clear. My mom is of sound mind. She doesn’t have dementia.

Even after my sister and I told her there’s definitely something wrong. This isn’t normal.

Even after the neurologist showed us the scans of the shrinking areas of his brain.

Somehow, my mom was able to still stay in denial.

Hospice

Yesterday, I called hospice on recommendation from my father’s doctor.

Why are we doing this? my mom says, He isn’t dying.

I give myself a few seconds to think.

Well, we can always change our minds if he gets better, I said.

We can always cancel it.

Some people get off of hospice.

For now, I think it’s a good idea.

She agrees.

Inside my mind I’m thinking.

What? Are you crazy.

The man is a 98lb bag of bones.

The dementia is making him starve to death.

You called me up a few days ago to tell me he stopped eating.

And, I flew over 2500 miles the next morning to be here.

And, now you’re saying he isn’t dying.

Of course he’s dying.

I just got home from bringing my mom to her doctor.

On the way she said, Oh shoot, next month I want to go on a walking tour at the same time as dad’s dentist appointment.

I think he’s done with dentist appointments, don’t you? I ask.

Uncomfortable silence ensues for the next 30 seconds.

Well, we can think about that next month, I offer.

Ok, that’s good, she says.

I don’t mention that SHE can barely walk, so how is she going to do a walking tour anyway.

Why Denial

I get what denial is.

It’s a coping mechanism, a way to avoid painful emotions.

And, we humans are masters at avoiding our emotions.

We use denial, food, alcohol, shopping, scrolling social media, and all sorts of other ingenious ways to avoid our emotions.

I'm no exception to this avoiding.

Our subconscious brain thinks, If I deny what’s happening, 

I don’t have to feel sad or scared or helpless.

Unfortunately, avoiding emotions doesn’t make them go away.

It usually just makes them worse.

I think looking right at our problems is the best way to get through them.

Real life is usually not as bad as what our imagination makes things out to be.

And, I think denial can make it harder later when you actually have to face the truth.

Questions For You

But, I’m wondering something,

Does the person who’s in denial know they are in denial?

Are they believing themselves?

Or do they know the truth, but just don’t want to say it out loud?

Take care,

Bye

xoxo Lani