do we have free will
“I wouldn’t wish caregiving on my worst enemy,” said one caregiver.
“I’m going to continue to take care of her even though she abuses me every day. It’s all I know.” said another.
There’s been a question on my mind all week. A deep philosophical unanswerable question.
Do we have free will?
Is our choice to become and stay our parent’s caregivers really a free decision?
According to Einstein, and many other physicists, the future is fixed and we have no free will.
I am no physicist. But, I do believe we act according to whatever input has previously been put into our brains. We can’t choose something that we don’t know is a choice. The future is determined from the past.
Whether the input has been through genetics, through the narcissistic environment and culture we grew up in, or through our current state of hunger and the fact that our kid left a pile of rotting food in the corner of his room, the input is going to affect the choices we make going forward.
What's Up With Your Sister?
Let’s say your sister is born with more anxious tendencies than yours. Well, then the choices she makes will always be somehow taking into account how anxious situations make her feel.
Maybe she mentally can’t stand the idea that your mother refuses to poop in the toilet. And, your sister decides to move far away from the situation and not think about it at all.
You, on the other hand, may not understand the choices your sister is making because you see the situation differently. Mom needs help.
The Asian Conundrum
In another scenario, let’s say you grew up in an Asian culture where the expectation is to take care of your elders and have them live in the ohana suite in your family house until they peacefully pass away after sharing all their wisdom.
In that case, your choices will always be made with that idea floating around in the back of your mind.
It’s not to say that because you have that cultural idea that your future is fixed on that. Thoughts that may override that might be
“I have a demanding job that takes all my time. It’s simply not possible.”
“My wife wouldn’t stand for it. My marriage comes first.”
Or “I can’t forget how they treated me. I don’t owe them anything.”
For you to have these ideas, you need to believe that culture isn’t the most important thing. Your family of origin isn’t the most important thing. Neither is what other people might think of you.
You are important. Your well-being is more important than the person you are caring for. There are options. And, you have learned that there are options from something in your past.
Your Options
For those of you that think you’re stuck in caregiving situations that you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy I give you two options.
Either change your situation by believing that you are the most important person you need to care for. Which you are.
Or you change your belief. Maybe this isn't as bad as it seems and I’m stronger and more resilient than I know. Maybe it’s not abuse, because it’s all her problem not mine.
You have choices, and I’m putting that idea in your mind so it will be available the next time you have to choose.
And, making a different choice is available to you at any moment in time.
Cheers to choices!
xoxo Lani
