feeling grief ahead of time

Did you know grief can sneak up on you, even before your parents die?

We were at a family gathering:

A big meal, wine, snoring relatives on the recliner, then card games.

This is what it’s like to visit my in-laws.

And, It’s always the same.

I’m the one in charge of the family photos.

And, my mother-in-law is in charge of the deviled eggs, the gnocchi, the sauce, and the games.

She loves the games.

It’s always a fun time.

But, at the end of the last gathering my sister-in-law took me aside and said,

I’m not going to be able to take it if anything happens to my mom. 

I thought to myself, If?

Your mom is 81. You’d better start thinking When, not If.

And, are you sure you want to be carrying around that grief ahead of time?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you, I replied.

I’m thankful I’ve had a long, long time to think about my parents passing away.

Although, I can’t be sure how I’ll feel when it actually happens.

I do know it’s not going to be a surprise.

I do know I’m going to be able to take it.

And, of course, that’s our only choice anyway,

So why tell ourselves otherwise?

The Stages of Grief

You’ve probably heard there are 5 stages of grief that a person can go through after a loved one dies.

Those stages are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

They can be in this order, in a mixed up order, or you can have only some of these stages.

But if you’re a caregiver, you often don’t even have to wait until your loved one dies.

You can go through the same 5 stages before they pass away.

Denial is when you refuse to accept the situation.

Denial is a feeling that comes from thoughts like, If she dies.

This can’t be happening.

I don’t believe it.

Or, I don’t want to think about it.

But, Resisting the truth actually feels worse than accepting the truth.

Anger comes from thoughts like, I hate this situation.

This is so unfair!

This shouldn’t be happening.

And, I can’t handle this.

It’s good to remember when we’re angry that it’s possible to question our anger producing thoughts. Should it be fair? Is life ever fair?

Can I handle this? What does handling it even look like?

Bargaining is something we do when we’re in pain.

Bargaining makes us say things like, I’ll do anything to make it go away.

Please, give us more time.

Maybe this new treatment will help. 

I’m all about hope and optimism, but it’s also important to balance that out by recognizing our limitations. 

Depression and sadness come from thoughts like I miss the way it used to be.

I don’t want to be a burden.

What’s the point of anything anyway?

If you have thoughts like these, it may help to see a therapist.

Then, last of all there’s Acceptance.

I know grief ahead of time is something many of us experience.

It’s normal, it’s natural.

But, it’s not a good place to dwell.

Having negative emotions ahead of time doesn’t really serve us.

I think what serves us best is just noticing our thoughts and accepting them.

Then moving on with life.

What do you need to do to be able to say to yourself, I’ve done the best I could do.

I’m satisfied with the way I lived.

I’m happy with the time I got to spend with these people.

My mother told me that I never need to have any guilt that I didn’t do as much as I could. She probably had that guilt for a long time about her mother. 

That’s a gift from her I’ll remember when the time comes. 

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani