freakout at 30,000ft
I’ve got to admit, I’m not looking forward to going home.
I’ve been out of state for the past 2 weeks caregiving, bringing my mom and sister to their eye doctor appointments, and 6 hour 45 min dental surgery that was only supposed to be 2 ½ hours, and clothes shopping because "All my clothes are too old".
My reluctance has nothing at all to do with me leaving, or me wanting to get back my husband and kids. It has everything to do with the flight home.
You see, the last time I flew home I yelled out loud in the plane, Oh my god!
The only person I know who heard me was the kind-hearted man sitting in the seat next to me. The person in seat 32E. The one who I politely smiled at as he sat down next to me when we boarded in San Francisco. The one I ignored for the last one hour and 48 minutes.
Anyway, he’s the only one who heard me cry out, because all the other passengers were too busy yelling themselves.
You see, our plane had just dipped below the clouds on the descent into Tucson. And, the plane decided to rock and roll. Right wing down, now left wing down, now right again. Hang on to your drink and your cell phone or they’ll fly into your neighbor’s lap rolling.
After my, Oh my god! Mr Kind-hearted said in a calm loud voice, It’s ok. It’s only because it’s so hot outside.
This man must know something I don’t know.
He must know how heat affects airplanes. He must know that planes do this in 111 degree weather. It’s ok.
I silently gripped both of the arm rests like I was grabbing onto my child who decided to step out of our speeding car going 80 miles per hour down the freeway.
I could see on the right side of my seat a hand with a death grip on the side of my chair. Fingers white from squeezing. What are they doing leaning forward and grabbing the chair in front of them?
Nevermind, it’s all going to be ok. It’s only because it’s so hot.
The flight attendent came on the speaker. Don’t get out of your seats. Even for a moment.
Uh, Are you insane, lady? Duh? Who would be crazy enough to do that?!
As we neared the ground another thought came to me. We’re not going to be able to land unless we stop tilting back and forth. The wing is going to hit the ground.
FYI: We landed. We lived. To loud applause, of course.
I thanked Calm neighbor man. He said, Wow, that was something else, wasn’t it?!
Looking out the windows we all saw a giant full rainbow. Amazing. How could it be on both sides of the plane?
And, then came the lightning.
We’ll have to sit out on the runway until it’s safe to have someone come outside and guide us into the gate, the pilot says. Don’t worry. It’s ok if we get hit by lightning. We have rubber tires. His voice is almost as soothing as Kind-hearted calm spoken man in 32E. It’s all ok.
This incident reminds me of caregiving.
We sometimes freak out, panic, cry out, Oh my god!
No problem. There are kind-hearted people in the world who will say, It’s ok.
It’s only because it’s so hot. It’s ok if we get hit by lightning.
It’s ok to hate caregiving. It’s ok to resent your mom and your siblings. All feelings are fine. That’s totally understandable. Totally normal.
And, you’ll believe these caring people.
But, you’ll keep hanging on for dear life, because your body and mind are in panic mode. Of course they are. Because caregiving is the hardest thing you’ll ever do!
If you need to borrow some calm, or a sympathetic ear, I’m here for you.
Freakouts are my specialty.
Take care now. See you on the other side.
xoxo Lani
