how to make boundaries that stick

Are you blaming the wrong person for not sticking to your boundaries?

A number of years ago my parents offered to pick up my nephew from school.

Sure, my sister said, That would be a big help.

When my nephew got home he told my sister, Papa crashed the car.

What do you mean?

He crashed into another car in the parking lot then drove away.

Did he know he crashed?

Yes, grandma said, We have to stop. 

We have to find out whose car it is. 

Or at least we should leave a note on the window.

But Papa got mad and said, No, we’re leaving!

Then he drove away and brought me home.

My sister and I had been noticing more scratches and dents on my dad’s car over the previous year.

We already knew that he wasn’t thinking the way he used to think.

He refused to listen to us about ignoring all the scam mail he was receiving.

I’m going to scam them, he would say.

Well, this crashing the car with my nephew was the last straw for my sister.

I’m not going to let them drive my son anywhere again. It’s too dangerous.

Boundaries 101

This is how boundaries work.

If someone does something that crosses my boundary

Then, I do something to take charge of the situation.

You don’t even need to tell the other person, if you don’t want to.

In my sister’s example:

If someone puts my child in a dangerous situation,

Then, I don’t let my child go with them.

Most people have boundaries all wrong.

You can’t leave your boundaries up to another person by just saying, Don’t do that.

You especially can’t expect someone who has crossed your boundary not to do it again.

They are the exact person who will do it again, if you let them.

You have be the one to assume responsibility for keeping your own boundaries. 

For example

You say, My mother-in-law keeps coming over without calling first, even though I’ve told her not to.

How do I stop her from crossing my boundary?

My question to you is what are you going to do about it?

If someone crosses your boundary, you have to do something about it.

You are in charge of setting up the consequences.

If your mother-in-law keeps coming over without calling first, there are an infinite number of things you can do to uphold your boundary.

You can not let her in.

You can pretend you’re not home.

You can tell her to come back another time after she’s called and you’ve said yes.

You can tell her you’re too busy now.

You can put a german shepherd watch dog in your front yard.

You get the idea?

Boundaries of Love

Boundaries are not something you need to get mad about either.

Boundaries are actually made out of love.

I love my child too much to put him in danger.

Mother-in-law, our relationship would be so much better if you called first.

Maybe your boundary is that your brother can’t insult you and call you names.

What are you going to do about it when he does?

You can immediately walk away.

You can say, I’ll talk to you when you stop calling me names. Then start scrolling social media.

You can say, I’m not going to be around someone that does that. And, drive away.

You can plug your ears with your fingers and say, La la la la, I can’t hear you.

The Boundary Follow Through

You get to decide any boundary consequence you feel like.

But, you have to actually stick to what you say you’re going to do.

And, You can’t rely on the other person to do anything other than what they normally do.

For example, If you say to your husband, we can’t spend any more of our retirement on your parent’s rent or else I’m going to divorce you. 

Then, you find out that he did spend more, but you don’t divorce him.

What do you think he’s going to do?

Yep, keep doing it.

Just like disciplining children, you have to give consequences that you’re actually going to follow through with. This is the part that makes boundaries stick.

Don’t make hollow threats.

Otherwise, nobody’s going to believe you.

And, you’ll probably end up being resentful that they’re crossing your boundary and aren’t listening to you.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani