in a perfect world
In a perfect world, my father wouldn’t have had such a long slow dementia decline, ending in starvation, over the last decade.
In a second perfect world, he would die of dementia exactly the way he did.
Two Perfect Worlds
I recently learned of this second perfect world idea from the most resilient person I’ve ever met.
And, I love the idea.
Resilient people are flexible. If what they really want doesn’t turn out, they can adapt their idea and love the way it actually did turn out.
Some might say this is lying to yourself, or fooling yourself into believing something that isn’t true.
To those people who say that, I say you’re mistaken.
Everything we tell ourselves, everything we ever think, is something our brain makes up, usually unconsciously from ideas we’ve learned in the past.
There is no universal truth.
So, what’s even better than just letting your brain make stuff up unconsciously, is actually choosing what we want to believe.
Remember, it is all made up anyway. That’s why 2 people never see the same situation in the same way. Ask any husband and wife who are in an argument, Who is right?
The way to deliberately choose what you want to believe is to ask yourself, How is what happened the perfect way for it to have happened?
Decide that you’re going to look for the evidence to support your idea that what is is what should be. What is is perfect.
My dad dying of dementia over 10 years is perfect because that’s what happened.
It’s perfect because we had so much time to get his affairs in order. We had so much time to be with him. We had loads of time to get used to the idea. And, we had plenty of time to get used to the idea of living without him.
Amor Fati
This reminds me of a Stoic principle, Amor Fati, a love of fate.
A little background. Stoicism is an ancient philosophy used to make us more happy, resilient, and wise humans. I’ve read a number of books on Stoicism, my favorite being the Daily Stoic.
According to Marcus Aurelius, Roman Emperor and Stoic,
“To love only what happens, what was destined. No greater harmony.”
This is Amor Fati, a love of fate. Love whatever happens, because that’s what you’ve got. That’s what fate has handed you.
You’ve got circumstances that you can hate on, you can accept, or you can come to love.
Why not? Love feels the best. And, you’re the one who has to live with the feeling.
Choose Your Perfect World
In a perfect world, I wouldn’t be the caregiver for my mother, who lives 3,000 miles away. Instead, I would be traveling around the world with my recently retired husband. And, she wouldn’t need any caregiver.
In a second perfect world, I would be her caregiver. And, I would treasure the time we spend together. And, I would fly over there whenever she is in distress. Because I love her. And, that’s the perfect world we live in.
Not that I enjoy all of it. I don’t. Not that I can’t complain. I do. A lot.
I don’t have to be happy about disrupting my life and constantly putting my plans on hold. But, there are good sides and bad sides to every situation.
Try to balance out the bad with the good.
You can learn something, get something out of every interaction. Find something of value in every circumstance. Amor fati. You can even find love in every situation. Whatever hand fate dealt you.
Loving What Is
A woman named Byron Katie also teaches this principle in her book, Loving What Is.
She has a 4 step process to question your suffering. Can you be absolutely sure it’s true? Is one of her questions.
She wants you to see that it’s your perception that’s bothering you. It’s always your perception that’s making you suffer.
Whether you use the idea of 2 Perfect Worlds, Amor fati, or Loving What Is, know this; The way you perceive something, or think about it, is going to be your truth. Not the truth. Your truth.
And, you will be the only one who has to live with it.
So, why not make it perfect and full of love? Because love is the best feeling in the world.
And, it’s how to live your best life ever.
If you need help finding your perfect world, I’ve totally got you. You have choices. And, I’ll guide you to the possibilities that are best for you.
Now, go have a perfect life.
xoxo Lani
