my biggest parenting mistake

I'm no stranger to mistakes, but I think this is the biggest parenting mistake I’ve ever made.

So, yesterday I was helping my daughter pick out her college classes. Which reminded me of a lesson I learned when my oldest son was in college.

He was having a tough time and was telling me about the challenging circumstances and negative feelings he was experiencing.

So I, as his mother, put on my fix-it hat and started to brainstorm ideas and solutions to attack the situation.

That’s when he blew up.

You never listen to me! All you want to do is fix things.

I was stunned. Yes, I wanted to fix this. 

My child is in pain and I don’t like that.  That’s uncomfortable to me.

I didn’t realize until that time that I wasn’t listening to hear. I was listening to respond, to mend, to repair.

Before that point in time, I didn’t see that if I wanted to fix something, then something had to be broken.

And, I hope with all my might that my son doesn’t believe he’s the thing that’s broken.

That he’s the thing that’s not good enough for his mother.

When we’re in pain or we see somebody else in pain, the natural thing to do is to want to change the situation. Our brains, after all, are wired to seek comfort and avoid pain. 

But, Changing the circumstance is not the first thing you should do.

The first thing you should do is just accept the pain. Accept what’s uncomfortable.

All feelings are allowed. And, all feelings should be validated. 

Because there’s nothing wrong with feelings.

I apologized to my son and said, You’re so right. Sorry about that.

You’re going through a struggle right now and I’m so sorry that you have to go through that.

Then, I just listened to hear and to understand.

Over the years I’ve tried to carry with me that lesson my son taught me.

We can do anxiety.

We can do fear.

We can do the whole spectrum of emotions.

We don’t have to run away.

And, we don’t have to fix anything.

I’ve found that when you accept the emotions that you’re going through,

And, you know there’s no emotion you can’t handle

You get through them a lot faster.

That’s the counterintuitive thing. 

Accepting a negative emotion feels a whole lot better than

Rejecting a negative emotion.

And, when you accept what you’ve got, the solution is often on the other side.

You can see clearer after the emotion fog has lifted.

I’ve tried really hard not to make that mistake again.

Although, sometimes I still do.

Sometimes, my mother gets into a big ball of emotions over my dad.

And I blurt out, But you just made that story up in your mind!

Not helpful.

It’s ok.

I believe We’re all doing our best.

Take care. Bye.

xoxo Lani