stop feeding dad

In the last post I told you that my dad has dementia and that his memory care unit doctor suggested to my mom that they stop feeding him.

This is what happened.

The Conversation

My mom, sister, and I went to lunch two weeks ago.

And my mom says, Just before I came to lunch the nurse called from dad’s memory care.

The nurse said, We keep finding food in his mouth long after the meals and we have to scoop it out with a spoon so he doesn’t choke on it when we put him down for a nap. Sometimes it just starts falling out of his mouth when we’re in our activities. The doctor suggested we stop feeding him and just let him eat the amount he wants to eat on his own. What do you want to do?

I said, What?!  I didn’t know they were feeding him. Why are they feeding him?

My sister replied, Yeah they should just let him eat on his own.

Right, I chimed in, just let him eat what he wants to.

My mom, But, He can’t eat on his own. He can’t feed himself.

What do you mean? I go with you to see him all the time and every day he gobbles up the fruit cup that you bring. He knows how to use the utensils and how to eat.

Yeah, you’re right, my mom admits.

Side note. My dad has been getting physical therapy on how to swallow for the last 6 months. In that time he’s gone from solid food to chopped food to minced food and even to pureed food. When he refused the pureed food, we signed a waiver saying we allow him to eat soft sandwiches like egg or tuna salad, even though he might choke.

Ok, Back to our lunch.

So what did you say to the nurse? Did you say we should let dad eat what he wants?

Um, I said I’ll think about it for a week, mom announced.

My Thoughts

Well, I’m back in Arizona now.

It’s been 2 weeks and I guarantee my mom hasn’t thought about it.

I know she has the idea, He can’t eat on his own, stuck in her head.

You see, we all make up stories in our minds. Every thought we have is a story that we make up about what’s going on in the world.

My husband says, If your mom’s thinking He can’t feed himself

And she says Yes to no more nurse feeding 

Then she’s probably making it mean She’d be handing out your dad’s death sentence. 

And, she would never do that.

Exactly.

Which is why it’s always good to take a look at our own stories before we jump to conclusions.

What am I making the nurse feeding mean?

I’m making it mean they’re force feeding him against his will.

But, I can’t be sure that’s the truth.

I’m thinking that’s something I personally wouldn’t want.

But, we can’t really tell what we’d want. Who knows?

As caregivers, we’re never going to agree with each other on all of our stories. 

So, as the saying goes, pick your battles - with both your parents and your children.

For now I’m home, so I’m putting my focus on my children. 

And, my husband. He’s a treasure that I can always count on. 

And, I’m so lucky and grateful for that.

Take care. 

xoxo Lani