the one thing my mom won't forgive

Do you have something stuck in your mind that someone did that you absolutely just can’t let go of? That just keeps bothering you endlessly?

Well, my mom’s got such a thing that I did.

First I’m going to tell you about it.

Then, I’m going to tell you how you can actually let it go, if you want to.

Before the Move

For two years my parents planned on downsizing and moving into assisted living.

The plan was to use that time to look through all their belongings and thoughtfully decide which things they would keep and which things they would give away.

Month after month I would ask my mom, How’s the sorting going?

Well, I haven’t finished looking through the 3rd drawer of my dresser yet, she would say.

Or, I have 25 rolls of wrapping paper and I just can’t decide which one I want to get rid of. They’re all so pretty.

But, I did tape up another box of stuff I want to keep.

And, I did give one of the plants that I grew from a single leaf to my cousin. 

My mom had an idea that she could only give away things to people she knew.

This idea never made sense to me because the people she knew were just as old and lived in smaller places than she did.

As you can guess, two years later there wasn’t any visible change in the amount of stuff. And, they lived in a humongous 5000 sq ft, 3 story house. So there was literally tons of stuff.

In one of the downstairs closets were the letters - boxes of every letter that my mother’s mother had ever written her. And, also every letter that she had written to her mother. Remember, this stuff goes way back before there was email and cell phones. My mother had lugged these boxes around through multiple house moves and even across the ocean from California to Hawaii.

Then there were at least 10 moving boxes full of photos. Regular paper photos. The kind in big binders that take up enormous amounts of shelving.

The Plan of Attack

My sister and I decided the only way to get rid of this stuff from a whopping 5000 sq ft amount to a teeny tiny 800 sq ft assisted living apartment amount would be to move my parents first and then sort through the stuff ourselves. My sister was tasked with moving them and I got the job of the stuff.

I’ll tell you about the move in another episode. But, I’ll tell you this. My dad absolutely did not want to move. Even the morning of the move.

Well, back to the stuff. My daughter and I lived in that house and went through everything for over a month. We even went through the boxes that my mom had taped up for the move. We ended up having to donate most of those since it was way too many boxes for them to take.  Every day trips to Goodwill and 6 enormous Got Junk trash loads later we were done.

The Aftermath

After a few months my mom started in, Where’s this? I can’t find it.

Where’s that?

You don’t have enough room. Mom. So, we couldn’t bring it.

Nope, that didn’t make the cut mom.

5 years later, every couple of months my mom still says, Oh I wish I had the box of fabric.

I can’t believe someone would give away my box of fabric! 

Why would they do that? If only I had the fabric now.

Implying that if only she had the fabric, she would finally achieve happiness.

She just will not let the fabric story die.

Yep that right. It’s just a story that she can decide at any moment to just get over.

How to Let Go

One idea that I use to give myself the peace to move on is to choose to believe that 

Everyone is doing their best with the thoughts they’re believing.

Did you know, we can actually choose our beliefs?

It’s possible to look at what you’re thinking and decide whether that thought is helpful or hurtful to you in the long run.

If the thought is making You the victim, I guarantee there’s a better thought you could pick.

Let me show you how to use this idea that

Everyone is doing their best with what they’re believing.

I ask myself questions like,

What must they have been thinking to do what they did?

Once I answer the question, I say to myself, Oh then of course they did that.

That was the best they could do in that moment, with that belief.

If I were my mother I could ask myself,

What must Lani have been thinking when she gave away the box of fabric?

She must have been thinking I don’t have enough room in my new tiny apartment.

Then, of course she gave away the fabric.

That was the best she could do in that moment, with that belief.

If you listened to the previous podcast, you don’t have to take care of your parents, then you remember that my brother doesn’t talk to me or my parents because I sold the house that he was living in.

If I were my brother I could ask myself,

What must Lani have been thinking to sell the house with me and my family in it?

She must have been thinking that my parents needed the money from the house, even though I don’t think they do.

Then, of course she sold the house.

That was the best she could do in that moment, with that belief.

If I were me in the same situation, which I am, I ask myself,

What must my brother have been thinking to stay in the house until after I sold it, even though I told him I was going to sell it?

He must have been thinking I wasn’t going to sell it, because my parents had threatened that for years without ever following through.

Then, of course he stayed in the house.

That was the best he could do in that moment, with that belief.

I hope this little thought tool helps you as much as it does me.

Until then.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani