the secret life of my in-laws

Why is it that some people just like to keep secrets?

Today, I’m going to be telling you about the secrets my in-laws keep and how that’s affected my relationship with my husband.

How to Prepare for End of Life

So, the other week I went with my mom to a presentation about preparing for end of life care and passing.  

They mentioned things like, 

Do your loved ones know what kind of life support you want if you go to the hospital?

Have you set up all your legal documents and assigned the people you want to be in charge?

Does your family know where to find your documents when you pass away?

My mother and father had all of these things done ages ago.

Probably because my mom’s been on the verge of death so many times.

She’s like a cat with nine lives.

Anyway, this stuff is normal to talk about in my family.

I’ve had my parents' financial power of attorney for years.

And, my sister has their medical power of attorney.

I pay all their bills. 

And, we have a joint bank account together.

My mother keeps a giant binder of wishes for her funeral.

And, my dad made a large urn for their ashes 15 years ago when he was a woodworker.

These kinds of actions are common for my family.

So, after the presentation I was itching to talk to my husband about all this stuff.

Do your parents have a power of attorney?

I think so, I’m not sure.

Who did they name as the power of attorney?

I don’t know.

Does anyone have any legal papers?

Um, there are papers?

This conversation wasn’t going anywhere.

Mind you, his parents and mine are all in their 80s.

Wouldn’t it be better if we all knew what was going on?

I had this same sentence come out of my mouth the month before when he told me his mom had surgery.

What?! Why don’t you tell me these things before instead of after?

If it was my family, we’d be at the hospital.

Wouldn’t it be better if we all knew what was going on?

Well, I accidentally told my brother, he said.

Why does your family always keep secrets?

Because they think everyone will freak out. 

They don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

Knowing someone is going into the hospital will hurt someone’s feelings?

That’s what they think.

Are we just going to say to your brother, Oh mom died last month and we didn’t tell you because we thought it would hurt your feelings!

Probably.

And, your parent’s taught your brother to keep secrets too. 

That’s why he told us not to tell them when he went to the emergency room a couple months back.

Yep.

I think it would make all of us feel safer if we were kept in the loop and we knew the answers to this legal and end of life care.

True, he said.

Then, my husband breaks out into the Seinfeld episode where Kramer is with his attorney deciding on the parameters for life support.

You have liver, kidneys, and gall bladder but no central nervous system. 

Well I gotta have a central nervous system!, says Kramer.

We laugh.

We always laugh about that one. It’s one of our favorite inside jokes. 

The kind of jokes you make when you’re a long time caregiver like we are. 

The next day I ask him, Did you talk to your parents yet?

About what?

The power of attorney..

No.

Oh, do you want me to do it?

No, I’ll do it.

The next day. Did you talk to your parents?

No.

Oh, Why not?

It’s too uncomfortable.

Don’t you think it would be better?

Yes.

Are you going to do it or should I give it up?

Give it up.

Ok.

Different families have different cultures, different rules that they play by.

These rules are usually set down by the parents and learned by the kids as they’re growing up.

And, it’s very hard to break cultural rules, because they’re unconscious habits stuck in our minds.

I see that the way my husband is acting about the end of life talk comes from his family traditions.

And, I see the way I act comes from my own family customs.

Neither is right or wrong, good or bad.

I let it go. I always have a lot of other things to think about.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani