the shame game

"I’m totally at my wits end.

My dad asked my family to move in with him to keep him company when my mother died.

When I had another child, his place was too small, so my father bought another house where I live.

Since then my father’s health has rapidly declined.

I can’t keep up with taking care of him and my kids."

This was a facebook post I saw yesterday.

The Replies

There were a number of concerned replies, such as,

I’m so sorry.

Get someone to come in and help you.

But, the ones that stood out to me, and there were a few of them, were like the person who said,

I would move heaven and earth for MY father if he bought me a house.

This answer presumes moving heaven and earth is possible for mere mortals.

This answer presumes the recipient of a housing gift owes the other person big time.

And, to top it off, this answer presumes taking care of her father is more important than her kids and her own peace of mind.

This answer all but says, you’re wrong if you don’t take care of your father.

You owe it to him.

You not only should do it, you have to do it. 

It’s your obligation.

Well, at least that’s my story from these words.

As you might guess, I don’t agree with any of those presumptions.

Do you know, some rich people buy houses just like other people buy new shoes?

How do we know her father isn’t in that position?

I believe you have more obligation to your own children than your parents, who can get help outside the home. Especially if they have money.

I don’t believe it’s noble to sacrifice yourself to be a caregiver. I think you should give as much or as little as you can handle, no more.

And, I’m wondering if a man would be expected to move heaven and earth if he had to go to work to support his family.

Oh, The Shame Of It All

But, let me tell you what bothers me most about this reply. This reply is shaming.

And, Shaming someone never solves a problem.

Shaming someone doesn’t help them or allow them to come up with useful possibilities to their dilemma.

Shame causes a person to want to curl up into a ball and hide.

Shame causes doubt, and worry, and inaction.

These are the opposite of what needs to happen.

What we should be promoting is curiosity and possibility.

I’m sure there are countless avenues you can take.

Let’s think of all the ways that this can be solved.

What Shaming Sounds Like

Shaming sound like this to children:

Why can’t you be more like your sister?

You catch like a girl. 

Toughen up. You’re so sensitive.

Shaming sounds like this to parents:

You used to be able to do it.

What happened to your hair?

Your opinion doesn’t count.

And often, after hearing something like that, the voice in our head might come up with the idea:

I’m doing it all wrong.

I’m such a screw up.

I’m just not good enough.

Hence, the shame.

Unfortunately, there will always be people who are unaware of how they come across.

People that just have no clue how to act or speak with understanding.

All we can do is ignore them and not let what they say bother us.

And, we are totally in control of that.

Other people can’t control the way we think and feel.

That’s an inside job.

Inside our own minds.

I’m giving the responder the benefit of the doubt that she meant no harm.

That she was just acting according to the thoughts swirling around in her brain.

That’s what we all do, after all.

Plus, it makes me feel a lot better when I give people the benefit of the doubt.

How I respond to people and circumstances in the world is only going to affect me after all.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani