the time I ghosted someone

Last year, my Auntie died.

She was a substitute mom to me.

And a substitute auntie, because she really wasn’t related to me at all.

The Before

My real mom lives in Hawaii. 

My substitute mom lived a mile away from me in Arizona.

My real mom was way too far away to come over if I needed her immediate help.

My substitute mom dropped everything to watch my 2 sons when I went into labor with my daughter in the middle of the night.

The substitute saw my kids graduate from elementary school.

She had us over for swimming in her backyard pool.

She watched my kids when I had a dentist appointment.

She gave me the recipe of my favorite somen salad.

How She Became My Substitute Mom

I knew her when I was small because my father and my uncle, auntie’s husband, were high school classmates on Maui. 

What you have to know is, everyone in Hawaii calls each other auntie and uncle, even if they aren’t related. It’s just the way everyone shows respect.

When I was young, auntie, uncle, and my parents bought a Taco Bell together near where we all lived in California.

It happened to be the 6th Taco Bell in the whole country.

I loved to go inside and invent new meals for myself with all my favorite ingredients.

But eventually, auntie & uncle moved to Arizona and I didn’t see them for the next 20 years.

By lucky coincidence, after all that time, my young family moved just down the road from them.

And they became my substitute mom and dad for the next 20 years.

They watched my kids grow up from birth all the way through high school graduation.

What Happened

As I told you before, last year my Auntie died.

She and her husband had both been so sick the last few years.

He had Parkinson’s and she had breast cancer.

Neither could drive, so the neighbors pitched in to deliver meals and bring them to their doctor’s appointments.

Their only son, lived in Texas with his family.

And, I’ve been gone myself to help my own parents, so I wasn’t any help to my auntie and uncle.

One day their son texted me in Hawaii.

Mom’s passed away. I’m bringing dad to Texas.

Oh, how sad. I’ll go see your dad when I get home.

When I got home I texted the son.

Oh, you’re bringing your dad to the Dr today.

Ok, we’ll get together another time.

The Ghosting

I never texted back.

I had thoughts like, he’s too busy with the doctors.

He’s too preoccupied with the funeral.

He’s too tied up selling the house.

He’s too distracted moving.

And, now it’s awkward because it’s been so long.

It’s awkward because I don’t know what to say.

I’ll think about it later.

It wasn’t until months later that I realized I ghosted my uncle.

I made up the idea that he was too busy.

But, the problem was actually me, not him.

I was too uncomfortable to make the time.

I was to uneasy about reaching out.

He moved to Texas and I never paid my condolences.

This is why people ghost other people.

It’s because of their own feelings, not because of you.

It’s because of their own uncomfortable emotions.

Discomfort leads to inaction.

Discomfort leads to ghosting.

It’s not a lack of love or a lack of caring.

After I was on to myself, I sent a sympathy card to Texas.

After all, It’s never too late to reach out.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani