you don't have to take care of your parents

Please excuse me, I’m about to go on a big rant here.

I listened to a podcast the other day and they said,

"Of course we take care of our parents."

They said it in the kind of way that really annoyed me.

Like You have to take care of your parents because they birthed you.

And, You have to take care of your parents because they raised you.

And, You have to take care of your parents because that’s the right thing to do.

I really don’t like the phrase “have to”. It gives me a pit in my stomach. 

And makes me resentful. And makes me NOT want to do it.

You know what? You really don’t have to care for your parents.

Or care for your kids, for that matter.

You can set either one of them up in front of the tv or a video game with a big bag of Cheetos then just drive off into the sunset.

But, on the serious side,

I wouldn’t take care of my parents for millions of reasons.

The main premise goes like this,

If they crossed one of my boundaries.

And, I find that unacceptable and unforgivable.

Then, I don’t take care of them.

Let’s start with an extreme example.

If my parents purposely do harm to one of my kids.

I find that unacceptable and unforgivable.

And, I don’t take care of them.

If my parents purposely do harm to me.

And, I find that unforgivable. 

Again, I don’t take care of them.

A version of this scenario actually happened in my family.

I was in Japan on vacation when my parents called me up and said they’re selling one of their houses to my brother at a deeply discounted rate. He’d been living there for 13 years and refused to either pay the rent or move out.

The surprise for them was that they didn’t find out that my name was on the house papers until the actual escrow signing,

Which for some coincidental reason happened to be the day after I left from living with my parents and caring for them for over a month.

They were furious and demanded I go to the Japan Consulate and sign the papers. I explained, I don’t know how my name got on the house. But, since I’m the trustee of your estate and the house is in the trust, that’s probably how I got on the papers. 

And no, I’m not signing any papers. You need the money. And, I don’t cave in to bullies.

My parents said, You HAVE TO do what we say or we’ll go to the lawyers and get you off our trust. Then we’ll sign the papers ourselves.

I said, Fine, I’m not signing.

It was at this point where I was deciding whether I wanted to take care of my parents anymore.

I was pissed.

Anyway, the trust lawyers wouldn’t take me off the trust unless my parents’ doctors wrote a letter saying they were of sound mind. And, my parents never got the letters.

3 years later the tables were turned. My parents wanted to move into an expensive assisted living home and needed the money from that house to pay for it.

My brother still refused to pay rent, move out, or buy the house. 

So, my parents and I agreed to sell the house to the public.

I sold it in one day. With my brother and his family still living in it!

Of course, my brother must have been really pissed, even though he knew the house was being sold.

He’s never talked to me or my parents since.

And, that was 2 years ago.

So, to get back to my point.

No, you don’t have to take care of your parents.

It’s each person’s choice.

Do what you want.

Take care, bye.

xoxo Lani